Cat's Cradle
by Siruru
Summary: It's coalition, pieces of wreckage melding together and not letting go [Implied God Eater!Reader/Soma Schicksal] [Implied God Eater!Reader/Various]
1. lost and found

cat's cradle

i'm lost, trying to find a place where i belong.

"Hey, didya hear? We got a New-Type today!"

"Finally! They seem to be popping up everywhere recently."

It's one of the first things that Sakuya, Lindow, and Soma hear when they come back to the Den, though it's not surprising that word travels fast within the building, especially if there really isn't anything important going on. Sakuya gives the man next to her a questioning look, as Lindow simply whistles as his own form of interest towards the news - he's probably more preoccupied with thinking about the last can of rationed beer in her room. Soma keeps looking ahead with his hoodie over his head, he can feel them looking at him and whispering about anything they can, not that he really cares.

"I heard she's pretty cute! Maybe, we can talk to her later."

Soma decides to doesn't care about ever meeting this New-Type girl.

* * *

"Join Fenrir! Protect your home against the Gods!"

It's that type of cheap, half-assed propaganda that lead men to their early graves. You weren't aware of that though, you were just looking for your next meal and the recruiter had told you that God Eaters were given room, board, and a pretty stipend for their services to the greater good - well, in exchanges for their bodies and lives. Yet, at 16 and freshly out of the orphanage with no real other prospects, you did what any other person might have done - you signed up. A couple of days full of exams and the researchers seemed at a buzz with your results - _New Type,_ is all you hear them murmur as they prod you with pins and needles. The next day a women with a stern but beautiful face hands you what seems to be a standard Fenrir uniform and moves you to a place she calls the Den.

"You will be taking your test through the next door," is all you remember her telling you, as the door closes behind and a large voice begins booming through the rather empty room. It's all metal and the smell of rust, except for the thing standing in the center. A chill runs through your spine because this the culmination of what you signed up for, but you aren't quite so sure anymore - if only for a split second.

 _When you're ready...stand in the center of the room_ , is all you can really make out from the male's voice as you clench and unclench your hand. Steady after unsteady step and you are finally in front of the red behemoth of a machine and you place your hand in the center of it.

 ** _AHHH!_**

There is fire and burning onto your flesh that makes you drop to your knees. An inject somewhere in-between as something connects itself to your wrist - your body, your soul. Through all the screaming, you almost feel like someone is whispering your name, shyly almost like a toddler, into your ear but the cooling metal of the bracelet now on your wrist makes you quickly forget all that. It takes you a moment to understand what has happened, but in all that weariness you can't really make out the black goo that seems to come out of the sword and connects to your bracelet.

The voice speaks again and welcomes you back to reality, tells you to head to the next room to wait for a medical check-up. All you do is pick-up your sword and move out of the metallic room, feeling a bit heavier than before but they have ihigh hopes/i for you - so it all can't be that bad, right? A few more explanations and you are back in the Den again, however this time there is a boy sitting where you once were. Yellow and orange outfit, red hair and you catch his attention the moment you sit down.

"I'm Kota Fujiki," he is going on about a piece of gum - probably to help with the nerves. You smile and state your own name. His voice seems to calm down the nervous better than any piece of gum could. His comment about being your new senior would have made you laughed, if it wasn't for the return of the stern-faced woman commanding you to stand up.

Tsubaki Amamiya is her name, as she gives the schedule for the rest of the day. It's a lot, probably more than anything you had done in a day up to the point, besides taking care of the other smaller children when the caretaker was too busy with everything else. She looks at you and you give her the most serious face you can muster - she tells you to go meet Dr. Sakaki and tour the rest of the facility when you're done.

"Welcome to your new home..."

That one single sentence catches your off-guard, but it makes all the sense in the world that the Den would be your new home; the large red bracelet is proof of all that. The nervous are quickly replaced by giddiness and that smile on your face makes Tsubaki stop her speech for just a nanosecond, because she isn't sure if she should be worried especially when she just told you not to be a fool and make careless mistakes. But, she let it slide for now.

"Yes, ma'am!"

You follow Kota's example before the two of your head to the upper parts of the Den. The former God Eater turns to look at you for a second, as Kota tries talking to you more about his interests and asking what yours are. For a moment, that smile belongs to someone else and she isn't quite sure if she is ready to handle another one of those.

 **it was decided from the very beginning.**


	2. smile and survive

_a day may come where we don't make it._

Kota is always smiling, smiling so much that you wonder if it hurts at times. From the short time you have spent together, you are sure that yellow is truly his color with how much he can laugh and talk about a single subject when he gets his mind into it. However, after coming back from training he seems a bit quieter than usual and it makes you a bit concern. Your own training hasn't started yet, but you can't help but wonder if that along with Tsubaki's training are starting to get to him. You pause from eating your giant corn for a moment and poke his cheek.

"Hey...are you okay?"

"Oh...yeah! Just a little homesick."

He murmurs more to himself than you, and you just let out a small noise of confirmation. You wonder what type of family he must have that causes him to miss them so much, not that you would know much about that. Maybe, he has a little sister with a smile just as bright as his or a mother with his endless energy to keep up with such a rowdy child that you have come to believe Kota was in his childhood. You hum while thinking such inconsequential thoughts. Something breaks his daze as he turns his head to the right and a goofy smile spreads onto his face, but you are busy looking at something more important left alone and abandoned on his plastic plate.

"Mine!"

"Hey, why are you grabbing my giant corn!?"

"Too slow, kiddo."

"That's no way to talk to your superior officer!"

You both laugh and smile - it's seems to grab a certain someone's attention.

* * *

Everyone seems to smile when you first met them, though they are all a bit different. Tsubaki's is more stern as she gives you orders, but a little proud as you and Kota seem to be getting used to being God Eaters. Dr. Sakaki's is a little crazy when you first meet him during the medical check (maybe, because he was looking at your numbers?) and the Director's was somewhat egoistical, though you could understand why. Lindow's smile is the one that catches your attention the most though, it's easygoing with a confident smug at the end but it can form into a steel line as well - like when he tells you his three...no four rules to being a God Eater. He is certainly a good teacher, maybe this is almost like what it means to have a big brother watching you back, or teasing you in whatever way they can.

Survive, that''s what he tells you is the biggest rule to being a God Eater. _Survive. Survive_ , you murmur it to yourself over and over again - as you blast at the Ogretail high above you. As you dash and tumble for cover, heaving large gulps of air in order to better handle the thin blade with one hand instead of both of them. You watch Lindow and try to imitate what he is doing because he surely has to know a thing or two about the concept to be a superior officer even though he looks so young. Jumping to hack the last monster in front of you makes you pause for a second and stare it blankly for a moment.

 _Worthless! You shoulda-_

"'Kay, rook! Looks like we cleared the area, not bad!" Lindow's voice, carefree but impressed, breaks you out of your reverie. You nod and give him an uneasy grin. You're tired and dirty, but you survived and that's all that really matter at the end of the day. It takes an hour for the Fenrir helicopter to arrive and pick you up, but you're more than happy to get some more pointers from the Corporal.

There aren't a lot of people in the Den's lobby as you enter, but your day still isn't over because after eating and debriefing, there still Tsubaki's training and Dr. Sakaki's Aragami lesson. One sounds more boring than the other, though both are bound to be easy to handle if they are with Kota.

"So, yeah. That's it for today, try to get some rest and eat," it is the last thing he tells you before leaving you to whatever other stuffy work superior officers have to do.

"Yes, sir!" is all you can murmur with a small nod of appreciation towards the older man.

You head up the stairs, seemingly unaware of the person moving down them at the same time. Maybe, because he has a hoodie over where his face should be, but for a moment you can see the bottom half of their face - a frown or a grimace, you can't really decided, but it doesn't leave your mind, even with everything you still have on schedule, until the end of the day.

 **scream, suffer but make it through.**


	3. competition

_live like you don't have a choice._

"Sakuya looks like you'll be training the rookie today," Lindow casually tells the younger woman during one of their impromptu team meetings. Sakuya smiles and nods before going back to her lunch. Soma doesn't say anything, as he pushes himself further onto the brown couch and pulls his hoodie over his face when he sees two younger Old-Type God Eaters looking at him before they go back to eating.

Soma hated when 1st Unit has these sudden meetings, but he really couldn't ignore Lindow's order when he personally has Tsubaki breathing down his next. So, it helped a little that Lindow didn't enjoy or cared for them either or that he simply forgot about them, but even the easygoing Corporal had to follow protocol at times.

"I've hearing good news about her all the time," Sakuya's voice breaks his train of thought, as it seems that the two childhood friends have started talking about the New-Type and other newest God Eater recruit, though Soma couldn't remember his name at the time.

"Well, having a New-Type might make some things easier, depending on what team she is placed in," Lindow states before taking a sip of his beer.

It might be true, because will 1st Unit tends to train most God Eaters, they usually went to another team that might need the manpower - Lindow's Unit had been a 3-man team ever since Tsubaki retried but nobody seemed to fit their criteria correctly to be part of the first line of defense for the Far East Branch. It was awkwardly silent for a moment, as Lindow takes a cigarette out of his jacket pocket.

Assuming that the meeting was over, Soma got up and walked out of the communal dinning room to some place where he wouldn't be bothered, probably his own room. Lindow looks at him for a moment before shrugging at Sakuya's concerned look.

"Looks like we'll have to see how she does with Soma's training, if Tsubaki wants her to join us."

You remember Sakuya Tachibana from when you first met Lindow. A pretty young woman, a couple of years older than you, with his sense of humor and wearing some rather reveling clothes. Yet, she looks so different this time - greeting you with her sniper gun God Arc in one arm and high heels digging into the ground below and for a moment you are utterly amazed.

"You must be the new recruit!" she smiles and introduces herself. It would be a lie to say that you weren't stuck on her every word, but unlike Kota it was more due to her basically telling you that you would leading this mission and be the main force of attack towards the Aragami. It makes you a little nervous, as you readjust your grip on your own God Arc.

 _Relax. Don't Freeze. I'll follow. We're a team._

It is really all you remember from her little speech, as you both jump off the cliff and into the unknown. You steel yourself and run towards the first Ogretail that you see, but you pause and make sure that Sakuya is close behind - at your sixth, as you remember all the strange military lingo Tsubaki tried to teach you. You forget all about stealth, as you dash towards the large beast and slash it in its momentary confusion. Sakuya is always behind you, either ready to provide medical help or to hit the beast right between the eyes.

The last one's first attack towards you catches you off-guard and Sakuya readies her gun, but you stop with one hand signal. She pauses for a moment, as she watches you run straight towards it and she wonders if you have really been taking Lindow's advice to heart, but that soon changes when she sees the advantages of being a New-Type in your quick maneuvering - one quick dash and your weapon goes from a light sword to a gun and visa-versa.

"Shoot!" is all she heard you yelling in her general direction, but she is quick to notice that you are also motioning her which direction she should be placed in with you eyes and slight hand movement - almost, if not exactly like Lindow when they were younger.

She doesn't stop shooting the Ogretail until the end of the battle when you run to the side and dig the buster sword part of your God Arc deeply into the Aragami's right side. The both of you pause as it makes a sickening thump onto the ground, some strange urge has you walking up closer to it in small and hesitant steps.

 _Please be dead. Please be dead._

You're breathing heavily once the battle is said and done. You stare at the Aragami blood spilled on the ground before pushing your God Arc into taking its core. Something touches your shoulder, as you quickly turn around and see Sakuya grinning at you. She congratulates you on a job well-done, but all you feel is tired and maybe hoping to sleep on the helicopter on the way back. You wonder how Lindow does all that he can, but your raging thoughts quickly succumb to sleep once you feel the worn leather underneath your body.

"Thank you," is all you can murmur to the beautiful God Eater before taking the elevator to the upper parts of the Den, probably the temporary room that they had given you for a good rest, at least that's Sakuya hoped - that seemed unlikely though since she knew how tough Tsubaki could be with new recruits, especially if she saw some type of potential in them.

"It looks like you've got competition, _leader_ ," Sakuya winks at Lindow after letting you go. Lindow laughs, as she sits next to him.

"Looks like she just needs the approval of one more person," is all he can really say, as he places his arm around her shoulder and pulls her in a little closer.

 **though it may not be pretty, the bud of a tiny flower bloomed.**


	4. first

cat's cradle  
 _you've been dreaming of a certain type of world._

Soma wonders if it is a natural trait for New-types to be so nosy (he'll think this again when he meets Alisa for the first time, so he theorizes by then that it probably is). It is not just because she's a New-Type anymore that Soma hears other people talking about her. Outside of his own unit, Tsubaki is proud of how quickly she is taking up her training and learning about being a God Eater - _more like pushing herself into an early grave_ , Soma thinks wearily. Both the Director -Soma feels the momentary angry growing inside of him at the thought of his father- and Old Man Sakaki seem interested in learning more about how her special abilities can be of use for them, but in two every different ways. Everyone is already friendly with the New-Type girl as she can always be found talking to someone within the Den's lobby whenever she has a break. She's already craving her space within the Den, but what will happen when she's gone?

"Soma! Soma! Did you hear the news?" Blue eyes flick up from his spot on the couch to see a young red-haired man calling his name. Eric der Volgelweid isn't very close to Soma (whoever is?) but he isn't one to be bothered by the older man constantly giving everyone the cold shoulder, thus Soma can tolerate him a bit more than other people. As such, Soma doesn't make any notion towards answering his question and Eric keeps talking.

"We'll be training the New-Type today. Isn't that exciting?" Eric talks gleefully in his general direction, as he continues to go on about training the new generation, the heroics of being a God Eater, and whatever other fancy delusions he creates for himself.

Soma gets up from the couch because Lindow clearly hadn't told him that this was going to be part of today's mission, though he isn't very sure where the Corporal is, he is sure that he can find either him or Sakuya rather quickly. Eric is left forgotten, watches his senior take the elevator to the upper parts of the Den but when it comes down, his younger comrade comes out - bright-eyed and a lot less nervous than he was at this point within his own training.

"This will be good," Eric whispers to himself rather excitedly.

* * *

"Don't just stand there, fight!"

Everything happens so quickly -seeing those two, Eric introducing himself, the attack- that you don't have time to react as the hooded man slashes at the Ogretail that attacked no, killed Eric. Both of them are dead and lying on the ground in front of you. Your hands are clammy, as you grip in your God Arc a bit harder. There is a rock stuck in your throat and your eyes are burning for a moment. This wasn't your first time seeing a dead Aragami or seeing a dead human for that matter, but Eric had just been so nice in that brief moment. Unconsciously, your right hand finds its way clenched tightly near your chest when the hooded man begins to speak - hard and cold, like a true veteran God Eater.

"Well there you go, welcome to this godforsaken work place," he is looking at the scene before turning to you and you see a young man -definitely older than you, but younger than Lindow and Sakuya- with tan skin and blond hair. He tells you his name is Soma, someone that you have heard of from other God Eaters - _stay away, he's dangerous_ \- but someone you thought would be much older from his years of experience.

"Don't waste your time remembering it, neither of us will be here long," he starts going on about questioning you about what you thought being a God Eater was going to be. Whatever fear and anger, you might have felt is replaced with indignation over his rather callous speech as Eric's warm body only lays a few feet away from the two of you. He turns his back to you and you grip your God Arc harder than before, suddenly remembering something from a long time ago.

 _Darling, sweetheart...you have to make the most out of live. Promise me, no?_

 _Wouldn't have been better if you died instead of her?_

"...the time for mourning has come and gone. We've got a mission," You puff your cheeks slightly because as quickly as he was reprimanding you, he was moving into the mission and giving you pointers. But, it was the same as all the other God Eaters told you - _stay away from me_.

You don't know if it is your own past coming to haunt you or that the smell of rotting flesh is starting to reach your nostrils, but you take one small step towards him and voice your thoughts.

"I'm sorry, but during my last couple of training sessions I've been taught that working together keeps the team alive. I won't be staying away from you, even if you do have some sort of death wish... **sir**."

You try using the change of command in your favor, especially since you don't know his personality very well outside of his little tirade. He stays quiet before marching forward without ever replying to your own outburst. You look at Eric's body one more time and bow your head before following Soma onto the battlefield.

The mission is over as quick as it started and somehow the both of you manage to stay alive, but Soma doesn't direct a single word towards you after the mission, though you give him a small thank you before going to meet up with Kota. The older man is left with the larger task of filling out the mission report and while he doesn't answer any of Lindow's questions outside of Eric's death, the Corporal is pleasantly surprised to see the next day at the end of a certain report in neat and almost cursive-like handwriting.

 _I, Soma Schicksal approve of the New-Type 00-1's transfer._

 **but, what are you doing to achieve your perfect happiness?**


	5. backfire

cat's cradle  
 _what are you afraid to show the world?_

 _ **I won't be staying away from you, even if you do have some sort of death wish...sir.**_

That simple statement doesn't leave his mind for days, even less whenever he is alone with the dark notions that seem so rooted in his thought process by now. How many times have people said something in the same vein of the New-Type's statement to him? Not enough, he is all too aware of that, he hadn't even heard something like that from his own father - not that it mattered at this point. But, he knew that the New-Type would regret it at some point, they all did eventually when they found out what he could do (what he really could be) or when they got hurt due to their association with him. Some lame excuse or even worse, they ended up like Eric. They were gone, while he was left with nothing.

He pulls his hoodie back and pushes his body further into the brown couch that was standard in every top-notch God Eater's room. A ragged and weary sigh leaves his body, as he closes his eyes, but that damn New-Type's voice was still ringing loud and clear in his head.

Any type of human contact always backfired on him, so wasn't it better to be alone?

* * *

It doesn't take Tsubaki long to announced to the both of you what God Eater team you're going to be part of - Unit 1. It surprises you for a moment, but Kota takes it all with stride and huge smiles, though you later find out it is because he wanted to be in the same team as Sakuya - he might even have a crush on her or a small case of hero worship, you aren't quite so sure. Outside of Dr. Sakaki's lessons, Tsubaki gives you free range to learn more about Unit 1 before going out on your first real mission with them. It isn't hard to find out more about Lindow, Sakuya and...Soma from the NORN database, but you don't feel like that is enough - maybe interacting with them outside of battle would start fostering feelings of teamwork. You smile to yourself since it sounds like a very-Lindow thing to do.

"First mission target: _Sakuya Tachibana_!" you whisper after your lesson with Dr. Sakaki. Kota had left you to your own devices since he seemed rather down after talking about the Aegis Project and the Outer Ghetto problems. Yes, it bothered you, but unlike him all your connections to the outside world had been cut off already, though how was due to various different reasons you didn't like to think about. You make it to the downstairs portion of the Den when you hear your name being called - Sakuya in front of the television (something about Outer Ghetto protests?) and she gushes about your performance, but then she begins to gently chastised you about dying young and making foolhardy actions.

You almost want to say something against the last part ( _I don't care, wouldn't it be easier in the long run?_ ), but you bite your tongue and decide to say nothing at all. It was easier to deal with people with a smile rather than tears or other negative emotions, you knew that all too well from personal experience. So, you nod until someone starts talking behind you, but speaking about long lives made your stomach churn in an irritated sort of way.

"Who's ready for some God Eating?" he continues with familiar laugh and you around turn to see Lindow coming down the stairs as he informs the two of you that it is a 3-man mission with you being the switch-hitter. He keeps going on that dismissal time is in 15 minutes and leaves you and Sakuya to get ready.

A half an hour later, the three of you are in the helicopter and what could be considered your first real mission as part of Unit 1. You grip your God Arc a bit tighter than usual but it is not due to pre-battle jitters, no you were getting used to those. It was due to trying to ask someone to actually spend time with you because it was easy for some adults to dismiss a starving kid crying for attention. So you release an unsteady breathe and look at the "beautiful amazon maiden" as Kota likes to call her.

"I-I was wondering if after this mission. I could talk and get to know each of you better, you know for team building?" you finish asking and give Sakuya a small smile that makes the older woman almost want to rave about. She nods and promises to meet up with you some time before dinner, though Lindow has something else in mind when he starts speaking.

"If ya wanna know more about us, does that mean Soma too?" he isn't sure why he asks that at first, but he has known Soma long enough to know that any half-hearted attempt isn't going to get through to him. However, his gut told him that maybe you and by extension Kota would be a good start for him to form some type of friendship outside of himself and Sakuya. Lindow watches you pout for a moment, as if almost recalling your first meeting with the blonde before speaking.

"I didn't have the best first meeting with him, but that doesn't mean I'll give up!" you say with a mix of excitement and stubbornness that Lindow didn't know you had, but the response makes him grin and laugh. However, all the giddiness and fun soon disperse when the pilot tells the three of you that you'll be landing in 10 minutes. Your smile turns into a serious face that almost reminds Lindow of Tsubaki, but he can't help but grin at the idea of Soma being chased around by a girl - something he knows the blonde isn't used to.

 _Well, that kid doesn't know what she's gotten herself into yet, huh?_

 **what are all the ugly parts inside your heart?**


	6. interactions

_do you believe that there's inherent value in life?_

He wonders if everyone notices that there seems be something off about the New-Type, though he isn't quite too sure what it is either. The first time he sees it within the reports that Lindow shows him of her progress. _Quick thinker, good strategist, team player_ \- all the praise a rookie can get from Tsubaki, Lindow, and Sakuya which is much easier said than done. But, in the former Lieutenant's slick handwriting, he can see it clear as day - _too reckless with own body, strategies are consistent but puts her in constant danger, high probability of serious injury or worse_. It's almost like she doesn't care, but nobody says that out loud, more like she's a newbie and hasn't gotten used to using a God Arc.

The second time he sees it is during a particular interaction with Kota and some of the members of Unit 2. While, Soma knows that she is trying to interact with him, he isn't ready nor does he really want to get dragged into her world of pretty smiles and tepid friendships. He watches from afar as she and Kota talk with Kanon and Gina. The oldest woman's voice is gruff as she questions the two newest members of the Far East branch.

 _What would you do if you weren't a God Eater?_

Kota goes on a long rant about his family and enjoying his days like the teenagers he had seen on Bugarally, Kanon is shy but would like to go traveling and trying out different foods, something Gina agrees to. However, when it turns to the New-Type, she is quite and Soma finds himself sitting up a bit more to hear her response. From the angle he is sitting in, he can see her clutching her knuckles to the point they are slowly turning white and her eyes for a moment are blank, as if the life had been sucked out of them. But, just as quickly that look on her face is gone, replaced with a goofy smile and a silly laugh.

"Probably find a better food than giant corn on the cob!"

The most recent was during the dead of night when most of the God Eaters are sleeping and Soma was just returning from an overnight mission given directly to him from the Director. He isn't quite sure why he ends up in the first floor of the dorms, that house the newer God Eaters, but for a moment he sees her sitting in the lounge not too far away from the elevators, though she apparently hadn't heard him enter. Soma stays in the darker side of the hallway, as he watches her shake her leg in what seems to be anxiety, a drink in her hand, and some crumpled pieces of paper lying next to her. Her body is shaking, almost as if she is crying and it makes Soma suddenly feel uncomfortable as he pulls his hoodie up and goes back to take the elevator and finally call it a night. However, he blames his excellent hearing that can he can hear her whisper, cold and harshly, so unlike the tone of voice she uses in front of all the other people within the Den.

 _"Why is living so unfair?"_

* * *

It's easy to talk to Lindow, whenever you get to see him. Some praise, a good laugh, and some good-natured jokes outside of the tips and tricks he gives you in order to be a better God Eater. Some you can use and others you can't, not just simply because of the differences of being a New-Type versus being an Old-Type, but safety and precaution go against the reckless nature that bubbled underneath your skin, completely against all the warnings that _you shouldn't die so young_.

It's a little easier to talk to Sakuya, maybe cause she is the only other woman in Unit 1. In a similar way to Lindow, she gives you tips but they are between trying to get you to try new outfits outside of the standard God Eater uniform and various other "big sister" things. She smiles and would tell you how nice you looked with your hair up in some strange hairdo, though it doesn't have the same effect when you tried it on your own, though you do find yourself changing outfits every so often. For a moment, it reminded you of someone else -from the hazy dream of your childhood- and it takes you several days to work up the courage to visit Sakuya again.

However, Kota had to be the easiest, maybe because you had known him the longest and even though he was your superior (by seconds); he was actually quite the simple person. He loved Burgarally, and cared about his mother and younger sister even more. Though he was fascinated by Sakuya now, you wonder if that would last forever. Maybe he was just like a regular teenaged boy from back in the old days that moved from love interest to another - at least, that is what you had seen from the old sitcoms that the NORN database provided. He smiles like the sun, but he worries constantly about the Outer Ghetto and the Aegis Project and you aren't quite sure what to say about his strong will to live.

Soma...Soma is the hardest person to find and even harder to interact with. You find yourself watching through the cracks of Sakuya's door in order to see whenever the older man might come out of his room, which isn't very often. You smile and greet him whenever you see him through the halls or within the Den, much to the surprise of everyone that is drawn to you and stays away him. He never says anything nor does he really look at you since his face is always hidden by the blasted blue hoodie!

It is a few days after your first official mission with everyone in Unit 1, when a faceless older God Eater who you don't quite remember ever talking to comes up to your table that you're sharing with Kota. Concern seems to be written on their face, but there is something in their eyes that puts you on high alert - malice, as they smile and make sure that Soma is within hearing distance when they begin talking.

"You should be careful with him, _Grim Reaper and Death all rolled into one_. Killing everyone that gets close to him or don't you remember what happened to Eric?"

The veteran God Eater doesn't say anything, but simply gets up from his seat and out of the communal eating area. You pause for a moment, as Kota gives you a concerned look because while he was aware about what you had seen, the two of you hadn't talked about the subject at all. But, you do remember what happened to Eric, too clearly when you close your eyes or whenever you talk to the little girl -haughty but sweet- that asks about her older brother. If you were a bit more empathetic, you would have cried for her, but you weren't and all you did was pat her on the back and give her a few choice words - it wasn't like death and loss were foreign to you, and neither was the grieving that followed. Yet, wasn't it just the process of life?

"Maybe you should watch out for yourself more, especially if ya wanna keep living."

"W-What?"

"Ya never know who's actually gonna go first, mister."

You give a pointed smile and the temperature in the room seems to drop.

 **what's the point of living with all this loneliness, anyways?**


	7. move

_and i called out to you, but none answered back._

If you thought about it hard enough, which you did all too often, being part of a God Eater team was sort of like living back in the orphanage - for lack of a better word. Being a God Eater has its perks, like food and having a decent meal, but that's if you beat your opponent for the day...if you made it to the end. Living in the Outer Ghetto was the constant struggle to survive from finding something to eat to looking for a place where everyone could huddle up for the night without getting kicked out. Adults and even kids a little bit older than you would either yell or fight with your small group. You didn't hate them for it -everyone was just trying to survive in the long run, but that didn't mean you were going to give up so easily either. You might have been the smallest, but you swung a mean hard punch when need be, even stabbed a person once or twice. You were good at hurting other people, the group's first line of defense, just like with Unit 1 now. However, you wonder if they knew that they weren't going to survive once you came of age and they kicked you out. There wasn't anyone as reckless as you, even Mark for all his bloated talk of how strong and great he was, was too scared ti hurt himself or others. Everyone was a coward in the end.

That's when the letters started to came in from the one person that could write.

 _Ana. Mari. Jun._ \- Those were all names you knew, but hadn't gotten to know as well as certain people. Then, one day the letters stopped coming and it made your stomach drop. It was a nauseous sensation that you tried to control for much of the day. You wanted to believe everything was okay, but you knew better than that by now. Then, a small piece of paper is all you get after a while (messy and somewhat hard to read) and it states one simple message.

 _Yoriko is dead._

Suddenly, all you really do have is Unit 1 and the Far East Branch.

* * *

"You're dismissed."

"Thank you and it won't happen again, sir."

Lindow sighs as he watches you leave the small lounge area. Word of your little outburst had reached his ears and he couldn't let you go without a word as your superior officer, especially if Tsubaki already knew about it. It wasn't as if you were threatening the man, but you had seemed to scare some people in order to defend Soma, even if it was indirectly. You were remorseful, but Lindow knew better and saw it in the way your eyes were glazed over and the words just seem to automatically fall out of your mouth. He had to wonder how much you had gotten in trouble before if this was the automatic response. He heaves a sigh and takes another chug of his rationed beer, as he sees a door slowly close in front of him and he briefly wonders what Soma thought of the whole incident he had indirectly caused. Maybe, he would ask later?

"This team, I swear."

It wasn't that the team work was bad, but it wasn't completely there yet. Lindow had been quick to see from the reports where there still needed to be connections made and forged. For example, while Kota trusted you and Sakuya, he tended to stay away from Soma. In return, the blonde connected well with Sakuya, but stayed away from you and Kota. You and Sakuya tried to help everyone equally, but you tended to push forward and attack whenever you got the chance. Unit 1 still needed work, but Lindow knew who could make something out of his rag-tag team, **if only he had the time**. So, he sends the four of you on little missions that tend to make certain people work together, even when he can't be there to guide all of you. Learn to have each other's back and _not die_ , even if those are the only things that are successful during a mission. It is slow and odd at first, but he can see it slowly taking shape, then he gets the news.

 _I have assigned another New-Type to your unit, Lindow._

He doesn't answer back when the Director gives him that order, though it does seem a bit fishy. He has his doubts even after he meets the young Russian girl by the name of Alisa. He watches from a little ways back as his team interacts with the haughty young girl. Kota makes a fool of himself and Alisa quickly sets her jaws on him. Soma doesn't say anything and Sakuya is smiling at their younger members' little interactions. Kota keeps talking nervously about global warming, as you come in and begin to talk to the younger girl as Tsubaki tells Lindow to follow her. He watches as the elevator door closes and you outstretch your hand while Alisa watches you cautiously.

"Nice to meet ya! It's good to have another New-Type!"

"Ah, so you're the other New-Type! I've heard a lot about you."

"Well, I am here to help if you need anything!"

You laugh and she smiles, everything seems okay for the moment.

 **it's useless to chase after those who have already gone.**


	8. baby steps

_my tears have dried and i want to know for sure..._

Alisa isn't sure what to exactly think of the older New-Type within Unit 1. She has a tendency of smiling in her direction too much and trying to get the Russian to interact with Kota and other God Eaters within the Den, even if she had stated before that she didn't want. Alisa wants to be annoyed with her, but there are moments where they sit in silence and Alisa finds herself wanting to talk about the latest trends or simply what she might like. Alisa almost wants to be friends with older girl and when she does decide to talk, she gives her a small smile. And like that, the rather proud girl lets herself asks for help when it comes to real-life God Eater mission. No problem, she says and they go on training missions with Lindow's approval, sometimes with the other members of Unit 1. Alisa feels like this is something that she could get used to, especially when the older girl mentions how much she is improving.

"Hey Alisa..."

Her face a bit timid than usual as Alisa finds herself standing in the middle of the night in her pajamas, wondering what she could want and then the Russian notices. Her hair is a little shorter, reaching the base of her neck, than Alisa imagined it to be outside of her constantly changing hairstyles. Unlike Alisa who is in shorts and a tank top, she is wearing sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, clutched tightly in her hands is a small worn out book. It wasn't a children's book, but more like those short chapter books she used ready when she was younger. Alisa looks at the book and back at her blushing face, ashamed and embarrassed all at once.

"What can I help you with?"

"W-Well, I was wondering if you could help with something?"

"With that book? Do you not know..."

Alisa's question trails off as the older girl's face gets brighter, she shakes her head and explains that while she does know the basics, there wasn't any way to better her situation. No schooling and no parents, is all she says before closing her mouth and shutting Alisa's curiosity on her past life. The blond nods and lets her inside, as she sits on the standard brown couch. There is still a space between them where they aren't willing to spill secrets of what they could be hiding from each other, but there seems to be something -a little bud- growing between these two girls, maybe trust, maybe even friendship?

"Well, I am telling you now that this isn't going to be easy!"

"Y-Yes, ma'am!"

* * *

"Hmm...look for a cloud that...looks like a bunny..." Soma hears murmuring from the other side of the bookshelf, as he returns the latest mathematics book he was skimming through back into its proper place. It wasn't something that a lot of people knew about him, but he took after both his parents (unfortunately) of reading anything he could find, though there were certain subjects that really piqued his interest - math and history were just the latest ones, though it was more about revolutions and rebellions with his current state of mind.

Not a lot of people visited the Far East Branch's library, Soma was one of the few along with Licca and Dr. Sakaki, though that might be because it was more research-based than anything else. So, he was surprised to turn the corner and see a certain New-Type sleeping in the large table that was set up near the back of the room. Her hands were covering her face, as she slept on without a care. A large stack of older books to her right with some data pads to her left. A sheet of paper was placed in the center with scribbles that looked like the English alphabet. It didn't take along for Soma to figure what was going on and it was understandable since she came from the Outer Ghetto, but he was still a little astonished.

He was about to turn and leave when she began to stir. She raises her head and blurry eyes find him immediately. She stifles a yawn, as the realization dawns on her that Soma had found her in the library, doing what she is doing, makes a blush slowly overtake her cheeks. However, it doesn't seem to faze him.

"You shouldn't be falling asleep here," he calmly states, as she nods. Turning her body to face him and fiddling with her hands, almost as if waiting for him to say or do something even worse. He almost wants to question her actions, but he kills that curiosity just as quickly as it appears. They still haven't really talked since the mission when Eric died and Soma had hoped to keep it that way, at least for his personal sanity.

"T-Thanks, I'll remember that next time," is all that she mumbles, she slowly stands and tries to put all her books away. Soma lingers and catches sight of a small worn out book in the older book stack - he knows it all too well, used to read it constantly when he was younger, as if it were a friend. He walks up and puts his hand on the stack, his question surprising both of them.

"What exactly are you trying to do?" He asks and though he already knows the answer, he wants her to confirm it. Her face gets a bit brighter, as she gazes down at the paper with rather ineligible handwriting.

"I'm not very good at _this_ ," she gestures to the objects on the table -reading and writing, from what Soma understands, "so, I asked Alisa to help. She gave me some worksheets and I've been practicing."

"And the books?" He picks up the small novella and opens it to the last page. **Soma** , written in block letters, very different from his current style of writing, as the New-Type continues with a small laugh.

"She said to look for books I want to read. Like goals, but it's mostly strategy and stuff from a long time ago," she states but mentions that Alisa had to leave because Tsubaki had called her, so she ended up falling asleep - like Soma had found her.

"I really don't know how to do this... _all alone_ ," she complains softly, but Soma catches it. Blue eyes look from the old book to her staring at the stacks in front of her like a lost child, very different from the serious or rather crazed looks on her face when they had fought Aragami together. It bothers him and he isn't sure why, but he ends talking the seat across from her. She stares at him wide-eyed for a moment, as he gestures her to sit down again.

"We're going to run through the basics. You can pick it up from there, if not ask the other New-Type," he says in a serious but less annoyed voice than usual. She takes her seat and the blonde takes a new sheet of paper to write down the alphabet along with the dictionary not to far from his reach.

They stay like that until dinner time when Lindow has to come into the library where he sees two youngsters - one laughing and the other with a light scowl on his face. And even if Soma decides to never help her again, at least she had this moment and the fundamentals, because those were important too!

 **...the actual meaning of this loneliness.**


	9. halt

_here's a transformation happening in the depths of my heart..._

It's painfully slow, but Lindow can see it - team progress! It is more obvious in the youngest members of Unit 1 because he sees all of them -Alisa, Kota, and her- coming out of Dr. Sakaki's room after their Aragami lessons and eat together, even if Alisa and Kota end up fighting most of the time. If they have the right timing, mostly on her part, they could catch Soma on a good day when he decides to eat outside of his room. Sakuya is there sometimes and it seems that she is slowly bonding with Alisa over fashion and different trends. However, the most striking change that he sees is the young New-type always seems to be carrying some type of book during her free time. Some times she is reading it and others she is scribbling something in it. He can hear Alisa giving her pointers here and there, other times it is Soma - both hidden in the library- giving her a new book recommendation, even Dr. Sakaki got in on the action by giving her some books -Aragami research that seemed to go over her head regardless of her sudden curiosity.

She talks and smiles to people when they grab her attention, but sometimes it just isn't enough to drag her away from whatever book she was reading. It might have caught some people off-guard, some even made fun of her for it, but they were usual put in their place when a certain hoodie-wearing youth walked into the room, not that she was currently aware of that. Both Lindow and Sakuya were aware that the New-Type was embarrassed about her recent endeavor, but they both understood where she was coming from since they had grown outside of the walls of the Outer Ghetto. But, to Lindow, it was interesting to see how wrapped up Soma could be in her progress from what he had seen - small discussions here and there, answering questions when she didn't understand what a certain word meant. Lindow wonders whether it was due to her stubbornness or Soma's natural curiosity since most things were handed to him because of who Johannes was within Fenrir, whether he liked to admit it or not. However, it brought a certain thought into Lindow's mind and he lets it out one day after a mission with just the two of them.

"Sooo, what do you think of the New-Types?" His question is met with silence, but Lindow half-heartedly expected that. He turns around to look back out the window, though he almost misses the cautious murmur.

"...'re all right."

* * *

You watch Alisa walk out of Dr. Sakaki's room after the Aragami lecture. The talk of a potential human Aragami angered her too much and for a moment you understood why, because in the end of the day there wasn't anybody who wasn't affected by those monsters - yours had been in multiple ways. You excuse yourself and drag Kota, who is barely waking up from his nap back to the floor lounge that houses both your rooms. However, you have to agree with Dr. Sakaki that it was only a matter of time, anything with a will to survive was scary that way. Kota sits down and rubs the sleepiness out of his eyes, as you grab a can of Iced Curry juice from the vending machine. The pop of the can echoes rather loudly, as Kota's yawn follows.

"Have you been getting enough sleep?" you question the younger boy, thoughts of Russians and gods pushed back to the edge of your mind.

"Nozomi's been sick. I've been going back to help," he gives you a sleep smile as you coo about a "cute big brother" that makes him blush a little and let out a sheepish laugh. For a moment, it looks like he wants to ask you something -maybe about your own family- instead he just shakes his head and excuses himself, another nap before going back to waiting for the next mission. You sigh and sink into the leather couch, as you shake the can to the small wooshing noise of the strangely colored juice.

It's calm almost too calm and it sends a tingle of anxiety and fear down your spine. You had gotten used to going on missions (rather easy ones or training Alisa) and coming back to either Dr. Sakaki's lessons or reading one of the many books in your ever-growing stack. This was peaceful in a sickening sort of way and you were starting to feel nauseous over the entire situation. It made you want to crack your knuckles and start a fight with someone. Punch them over and over again until their blood was beautifully displayed on the concrete floor.

"Can't do that here," you sigh and pinch the bridge of your nose in horrible but beautiful remembrance of bygone days because even if killing Aragami was thrilling in some sort of way, it wasn't the same as the adrenaline of fighting another person. You close your eyes for a moment and hum some broke song to ignore the muffled yelling within your brain; you aren't sure how much time passes on the leather couch when suddenly over the speaker.

"Unit 1. Calling all members of Unit 1 for a mission, please come to me for further details."

You open your eyes and groan as you hear Kota get up with a loud thud, probably falling out of his bed in the process. You almost want to laugh, but the opening of the elevator door and Soma's stern face makes you pause for moment. You give him a small nod and get on, still not really able to talk to him outside of whatever book he has given you. The elevator ride is quiet and the two of you step out into the center of the Den to see Lindow's smiling face.

"Well, guys it seems like we have a big mission!" he grins as Sakuya comes to his side, Hibari typing away before giving the rest of the details. Alisa and Kota's voices trail from up above as they join the group. Another standard mission waiting to be completed, for you to come back to the Den safe and sound. Something you were painfully getting used to...if you only knew how wrong you were.

 **and i wonder if it will kill me in the end.**


	10. aftermath

_i keep changing and changing, and moving forward. but, i wonder..._

"Get them back safe, please. Don't let them die!"

Sakuya wouldn't stop crying. Alisa is knocked out cold, and both you and Kota are too damn quiet in his opinion. Soma clenches his hand to release some of the tension running through his body. Why couldn't that stupid idiot follow his own rules? So many years of pushing Soma to do the same and this was how it all ended? He wasn't sure if he hated Lindow or his own inability to do anything more right now, but it was pretty even. He lets out a ragged sigh and grinds his teeth together in frustration.

"Tell the Den we're are going to need medical support as well," he hears a small voice give instructions to the pilot as the man relays it back to Hibari. Soma turns to see the New-Type holding on to the unconscious blonde. There isn't any emotion on her face, but he can see that one of her hand is digging into her own palm, almost drawing out blood. He doesn't say anything and outside of Sakuya's hiccups and sobs the entire ride back to the Den is quiet as hell. Half an hour later they are all back, Tsubaki and the medical staff waiting for them.

All four of them get off, as the medical staff takes Alisa away from the New-Type's grasp and puts her onto a stretcher. She wants to follow them, but Tsubaki stops her from going any further. Soma can't see the look on the New-Type's face but Tsubaki's eyes are less stern than usual, almost as if she wants to cry but she has to be stronger than that at the moment.

"She needs urgent care right now, and I need all of you to explain what happened," Tsubaki gently explains looking at all four of them, what is left of Unit 1. Sakuya is still crying and she might've collapsed onto the floor if Kota hadn't been holding her, the New-Type nods and all them follow Tsubaki to whatever interrogation room she might lead them into. Soma glances at the New-Type walking right behind the former Lieutenant, her back is tense and her hand is still clenched into a fist but now with small droplets of blood on her nails.

 _Stupid Lindow_ , was all he could think of.

* * *

Good things don't last forever, as anyone living within the Far East Branch can tell you. One moment you could be savoring a small victory with beer and your teammates and the next you could be informing their family (if they had any) that they had gone down gloriously for the sake of mankind against the Aragami. Each dead God Eater didn't make the fight any harder, but it was something added to those God Eaters that were close to them. Yet, one has to wonder whether the first death was the most traumatic? Eric has been your first real death on the job, but Lindow...God, Lindow had taught you everything you know, hadn't you almost called him "big brother" by accident the other day?

 _Don't die. Don't die. Big Rule: Don't Die!_

It was the same rule that he kept spewing at you before every mission, so why couldn't he follow his own god damn advice? What was the purpose of being a leader if you were just gonna down trying to be a stupid hero!? You ran both your hands through the tangled mess that was your hair and pulled at it. You curled into a ball on the brown couch and almost felt like heaving, but nothing would come out. Your eyes were burning and the scream latched into your throat wouldn't come out. You wanted it all to stop - feeling, breathing, any other bodily function- but every time you thought of Lindow and what had happened -what you could and couldn't have done- it all came rushing back in a sick play of emotions. Why did people have to go? Why were you still alive when others kept dying around you?

"Hey, are you in there? You ok?" there was a cautious knock and Kota's concerned voice drew you back to the physical world.

You weren't sure what grabbed his attention to come your room, but he was actually the only other member of Unit 1 that you heard in the past two days since the mission. Sakuya had gone with Tsubaki -because he wasn't dead yet, just declared missing in action-, Soma had disappeared, and Alisa was still in the med bay getting treated for whatever had happened to her. There is a moment of silence where you don't want to open the door, but you pick yourself up and decide to open the door. His brown eyes widen at your appearance for a moment before he gives you a less dazzling version of his usual smile. You scratch the bottom of your tank-top and keep looking at the floor.

"I heard something coming from your room and got worried. Everything o-ok?" He explains, as if he had been caught stealing cookies from the jar and the imagery almost makes you smile. You shake your head and say you're fine, and he takes the cue to drop the issue. There is still too much wondering and speculation, but it just seems like everyone is already preparing for the worst and deep down you know you have to be stronger than this. You lean against the door frame for a bit as Kota scratches the back of his neck, but you can see the nerves and concern etched on his face as well. However, something seems to go off in his head, as he tells you to wait where you are standing as he heads back quickly into his room.

"I've seen you reading and while that isn't my sort of thing," he comes out of his room explaining, as he hands you a stack of worn-out novellas. He smiles and explains that they belong to his mom and little sister, but you could borrow them if you wanted to.

"Thanks, Kota. And your mother and Nozomi too," you give him your best smile as he returns it. The conversation ends and Kota bids you goodnight before closing his own door. You glance at his door a bit longer, before moving to glance at Alisa's door, though you know she isn't there. They're still treating her in the medical room with none allowed access to her but Tsubaki. Your feet are cold and bare against the tiled floor and you look down to stare for a moment, completely ignoring the small crystal colored drops gathering on the floor. You suck in a deep breathe before it can turn into a crying hiccup.

You go back into your room and shut the door. It's dark and cold, as you place the books on the small desk and head back to your bed. Hibari's voice is echoing through the sound system, asking for Unit 2 but you don't catch much after that. You throw yourself onto the bed and push your head into the pillows before the sobbing can get any worse.

 _Stupid Lindow_ , is all you can think before falling into a deep sleep.

 **would my younger self be proud of who i am today?**


	11. stall

_please be quiet, hope is noisy._

It's frustrating because it takes another week for Unit 1 to be given some type of capacity outside of Lindow's disappearance. Though that is mainly centered around helping Unit 2 and whatever they were currently defending and never with the remaining members of their once "cohesive" assault team. The search for the missing Corporal was heavily guarded and even with everyone declaring that they wanted to help, only a limited number of people were actually searching the last place that Lindow has been seen and under the Director's supervision. The blonde God Eater had to wonder what exactly his father was thinking, though he never bothered asking. But, from that thought his mind wandered to the remaining members of Unit 1.

Soma hadn't seen neither the New-Type girl or the _other_ guy outside of small glimpses from whenever they were within the Den's lounge, usually together. Sakuya hadn't come out of her room aside from the times she had been forced to by Tsubaki and the Russian is still in the med bay - he had heard her screaming a few times whenever he was on that floor. It was back to being alone, though isn't wasn't something new though he didn't completely welcome it either. Feelings were annoying and he hated to deal with everything that Lindow had left behind, and by extension whatever his father was planning. The whisper that it might have even been him didn't bother him anymore (at least he said that to himself), he was just getting tired of being in the dark of everything that was going on.

"Dammit!" is all that he can say about his growing frustration, as he kicks the vending machine within the lounge that leads to the Director's office. However, that all changes when he hears the opening _whoosh_ that comes from his father's office, then he sees her.

 _Sigh._ She left out a deep breathe and rolls her shoulders forward for a moment. There is a serious look on her face, but he can notice the deep bags forming underneath her eyelids. Her hair isn't in a fancy hairdo, but rather straight and reaching the base of her neck. Standard Fenrir uniform on and her movements almost seem mechanical, though her eyes glance briefly to the med bay for a moment - silent to whatever the other might have been screaming earlier in the day. She keeps moving down the hall until she sees him there and her eyes grow big for a moment, as if seeing a ghost. Her lips whisper his name and her hands cling slightly to the hem of her shirt. Soma is disgusted for a brief moment that he can take notice of all the small changes that occur to her, but that thought is pushed aside when she stops and smiles slightly at him.

"Hey, it's been awhile," is all that she can really say, as he looks down at the floor with a nod of affirmation. He wants to ask a lot of things from _how is she doing_ to _why had his bastard father called for her_ , but they all die down at the tip of his tongue. She seems to want to say something as well, but it dies with the sound of Hibari's voice through the speaker system.

"...will you please join Unit 2 in the Den for a mission, further instructions are pending. Please..."

Her mouth creases downward and now she's limited on time, but that doesn't stop her from grabbing his jacket sleeve and making him look upwards, well at least to where her hand is placed. Her voice is leveled and low, like she is used to talking children out of a tantrum but it is what she says that stops everything that is over thinking in his head for a moment.

"Whatever you hear, it wasn't your fault, ok? It wasn't anybody's..." there is a quiver at the end of her voice, almost as she is trying to reassure herself of that statement as well. However, before he can say anything to counter that statement, she is already striding towards the elevator. He is left with the silence of the hallway, but her words keep echoing in his head long after that.

* * *

It takes a week of questioning and wondering for you to see Alisa after the incident, then it takes another three days after that for them to give you some type of limited clearance to see her again. But, there you are sitting across from her sleeping body and the doctor telling you that she won't wake up anytime soon because of all the heavy medication that they have been giving her and it makes you wonder how much hell she had gone through back in Russia. You hadn't notice it before but she is all about anger and survival underneath her haughty personality. Something warm and sickly is flooding into your chest - it's not quite pity, but you're too afraid to give it a name in the moment. You really don't know what happens in that brief moment, but you decide to take her hand and everything comes rushing forward.

It's a mosaic of colors and images that flood your scenes. You see Aragami and two people, the doctor next to you and _Lindow_ , which makes you lurch forward and let go of her hand, but the damage has already been done. Alisa makes some groaning noises and she is suddenly fully awake. The doctor is panicking and rushes out of the med bay, muttering about needing to make a record about what just happen. Alisa looks at you and you give her a brief smile, happy that she is alright but unsure of what just happened.

"Just a moment ago, you…" she mutters, as you look your hand. The God Eater armlet shining underneath the light and the same warm tingling sensation burning the center of your palm. _Mama, Papa,_ ** _I'm sorry_** , running in circles in your head and in sickening fascination you have to wonder what she saw anything about your own life.

Alisa lets out a tired sigh and closes her eyes for a brief moment. The room is eerily quiet as she begins to settle back down, her breathing evening out and you almost feel a little sorry seeing this tired out state that she is in compared to the first time you met her. It feels like an eternity in silence before the doctor comes back in and pulls you out of the room, telling you that certain tests need to be done and that she needs her rest after such a traumatic experience. You nod and shuffle out into the lounge and for some unknown reason you find yourself standing in the middle of the hallway longer than you intended to.

 _Hey, are you sure about this okay?_

 _Yoriko, it's either you eat or they eat. Make up your mind!_

 ** _MAMA! PAPA! THEY'RE STEALING!_**

You clench your fist, the warm feeling you once felt has been replaced with something clammy that won't seem to let go anytime soon. You turn and head towards the elevator, unsure of what you are going to do with the rest of your downtime, but you can't deny that even with all the pain and struggle, you are in a much better place than you once were. You're just afraid now of how much Alisa had seen of all you once were.

 **what has wishing ever done for me?**


	12. calm before

**you're a deep scar engraved in the bottom of my heart...**

You had watched Kota go after Tsubaki, and for awhile this becomes your new normal - not talking to anyone after missions, constantly visiting Alisa. It nothing but silence, but you're used to being quite for the sake of it. There were times back in the orphanage where the older kids would yell at everyone to be silent, then hearing a bunch of brats complain about being tired, or hungry, or just issues that could have been easy alleviated if you all had parents. Those adults that were supposed to take care of your children, you wondered more about them since seeing Alisa's own parents through her memories. You saw that she looked more like her mother and while it made you think about your own parents every once and awhile, it made you think more of Yoriko than you wanted to.

 _Hey, what are we going to eat today?_

 _You shouldn't be so careless when fighting!_

 _Have you ever thought of running away?_

Blonde almost sliver hair, just like Alisa. Maybe, a little less mean, but just as stubborn and proud. No, you weren't trying to replace her, but maybe that's why the sympathy ran a bit deeper than before. You stare at Alisa and grab her hand once more. Faded colors and dead emotions rise up again as you watch her parents get killed once more, then Director's voice rings in your head as the shady doctor places the blame on Lindow. You feel the tears brimming in the corner of your eyes at the sight of Lindow disappearing again and you let go of her hand. The warm feeling is a lot hotter than before as you open and close your hand, as Alisa wakes up and suddenly stands up.

 **Attack. Screams! No! Scared** , is how Alisa goes on in daze recalling the attack, like she had pushed those thoughts down in the murky parts of her heart, bubbling to the surface and leaving her with the survivor's guilt spilling from her lips. She looks at you, scared and guilty, which leads you to grabbing her hand once more and reassuring her that it isn't her fault. It looks like she is going to cry for a moment as she shudders out a breathe. You rub the small of her back and say nothing as she keeps heaving for air, shaking in remembrance of things that she couldn't change. After she calms down, she tries to best explain what she wanted to do - avenge, and you can't help but sympathize with her once more.

"...I don't know what's happening," what she says sums up everything that has been going on. She shudders and calms down, starts talking about the warmth of your had.

"Memories of happiness," she declares and in your confusion you wonder if that time back in the orphanage had ever been happy at all. Maybe, Yoriko is what Alisa saw, those feelings that you felt towards the younger girl - a (failed) sibling bond in the making and you're okay with that.

It's quite until she falls asleep and you leave her room slightly lighter in your heart than before.

 _...and i don't think you'll ever leave me._


	13. marching orders

_there's a limit to the way we can live out the time we have._

It's takes awhile for everything to settle down once again, to get used to Lindow no longer being with them. Soma sees Sakuya getting used to the situation as well, if not a bit slower. There is still some sadness to her, but he has stopped hearing the crying that used to be a constant when Lindow had recently disappared. From what he has heard, the other New-Type is making progress enough for them to let her out the med bay under supervision. He can even hear the cheer coming back to that annoying guy's voice when he talks about whatever he is into at the current moment. And the New-Type...well, she is back to wearing her hair in elaborate hairstyles and talking with the others when she isn't staying in the med bay. Everything is going back to normal and it bothers Soma at times, because one day it could be one of them and what are the rest of them gonna do - suffer and cry over it? Move on until everyone they knew is gone?

As, he walks towards his next solo mission, Soma can't help but wonder if he would be remembered in some way - the Grim Reaper of the Far East Branch. However, before the idea can become anymore sentimental, he scoffs it away and heads over to the helicopter.

What did it matter that a monster like him kept living anyways?

 _Don't die, kid_ \- something familiar echoes in the back of his head that almost makes him groan in annoyance.

* * *

Alisa starts getting better and it becomes easier to put the pieces together of what had happened to her and what exactly she had been used for. It hurts, but the talk with Sakuya is easy, though you are all fully aware that there might be something more sinister lurking in the background of what happened to Lindow. Sakuya tells you not to worry about it, taking on "big sister" mode to protect the both of you, but you are all too aware that Alisa won't let it go so easily. If they are doing anything, they don't tell you, simply going back to their small talks of fashion and other things they share interest in. The search for Lindow had pretty much ended, and that's when Tsubaki calls for all of Unit 1 to meet again for the first time in a couple of weeks. Alisa can't go back onto the field yet, but it makes you smile to see everyone again. You shouldn't be so attached to all of them like this, but here you are smiling like a fool.

Tsubaki stands in front of all of you, starts talking about the administration making new decisions in regards to your unit. She turns to look at you and you can't help but straighten your posture a bit more, though her next words leave your mouth hanging in midair for a moment.

"Upon the completion of today's operation, you will be appointed as Captain of the Far East Branch Unit 1 with full honors."

Everyone is suddenly looking at you, but for some reason Soma staring straight at your back burns the most. It's exciting but scary at the same time, can you really replace someone like Lindow? What made you -a rookie and a New-Type- worthy of such an appointment? Questions are swirling in your head, but all you can do is nod. Everyone gives you their own words of encouragement, but you're already thinking about what leaderships skills you have exactly.

Being a follower had always been the default when you were younger, follow what the older kids tell you so you could live to see another day. Listen and attack when they gave you orders to, thinking and planning made everything so much more difficult. It wasn't until recently, when you were one of the older kids, that the younger ones actually listened to your input so that they could find shelter or food, though you preferred doing things on your own than dictate it onto others. It would just be you dying or hurt, and that was better in the long run, but that wasn't real "leadership".

Lindow had been a good leader too, friendly and supportive of others - is that what you had to do now?

You rub the back of your neck in anxiety. Kota is excited. Alisa is proud and while Sakuya might be quiet, she seems alright with the change. Moving forward is all any of you could do. _Lives, lives, lives_ \- are the most important things as Tsubaki tells you, but that isn't exactly what you joined the Far East Branch for. This all so confusing. You sigh and Tsubaki tells everyone to head out.

"Watch out," you hear someone whisper behind you, only to have Soma walk ahead of you and be the first onto the elevator. You blink and wonder if he means in terms of the position or the mission, though aside from that it is a strange that he would just say something like that to you. You spare him a glance, but say nothing.

 _What does being a leader mean?_

You wished that Lindow was still here, maybe it would have been easier to ask him. Maybe, you could ask Tatsumi or read up on some books about great leaders. Leading others wasn't really what you wanted to do, but you had to keep moving forward, you thought Lindow deserved at least that much...for now.

 **but, can i make something real out of my fake self?**


	14. liar liar

Alisa is the second one to notice, though it takes her sometime to understand what all that she had actually seen means. At first, she saw it through the Resonance they had experienced back in the med bay. She was slightly aware that their newly appointed Leader (which Alisa was still getting used to saying) had come from an "orphanage", from what she had learned when she had asked to learn how to read and write some time ago. However, what Alisa had seen was nothing like the Fenrir-run facility she had grown up in. Their Captain had struggled for food and shelter everyday and while she knew her fellow New-Type fought day and night to provide herself (and others) with adequate food and shelter, in those brief flashing moments Alisa could see something she was all too familiar with - a lack of a will to live.

 **"That huge opening when you're parrying will kill you one of these days."**

 **"..."**

Her fighting style left her too vulnerable and she often took on the more dangerous aspects of their "missions" all on her own, something Alisa saw being reflected in how she fought with the God Arc when they were training. The older teenager often went for quick and almost flashy moves that could end up seriously hurting her, if not pulled off correctly. They almost always did work in the end, but one day her luck would run out. Lindow had given them specific orders to keep living, why wasn't this new Leader not following them? Not that Alisa could really say anything of the subject matter at hand.

 _Does she actually want to get seriously hurt, or even worst...die?_

There is a lot of things that Alisa finds herself wondering about and it leaves her with several unanswered questions, some needing more answering than others. After she gets out of the med bay, it is easy to find Sakuya and ask her, to promise that she will be there to help in whatever way that she can in order to find out the truth behind Lindow's mysterious disappearance. But for all her pomp and fearless attitude, Alisa finds it harder to ask her Leader -maybe even her friend in the making- the dread question, and it gets a little harder when she starts seeing less and less of her due to all the new duties the older New-Type had received since becoming Captain of Unit 1.

There is a little bud of fear growing within Alisa's heart, but she chooses to ignore it for now - for the better until she finds some solid evidence, something that might prove her wrong. At the sight of her Leader almost getting attacked by a familiar Varga, she might be quaking and in deep into her all too familiar fear, but Alisa doesn't hesitate in the brief second that she shoots her God Arc.

Wide eyes stare at her, as the Russian falls to the ground and begins sobbing.

* * *

Maybe, having underlings to do shady things was just something all "superior" people did - in order to not be too close when everything went to hell or just because they didn't want to get their own hands dirty. Director Johannes von Shicksal seem like the latter one, and though you had only met the man once before this, you could tell he thought very highly of himself. The glory and salvation of humankind were in his hands with the way he spoke about the Aigis Project and how you were going to help in the long run, just like Lindow had. Tsubaki had said the same thing when she had congratulated in private ( _Just like Lindow_ ) and you can't help but feel like you will end up disappointing them all in the end because you can't be like, but you don't think about it.

Fighting and even doing some shady things were more up your alley, and the Director had decided to mix them both together. Finding the best parts from some high-class Aragami in order to add it to the construction of the Aigis Project. It sounded easy enough, but you hadn't expected it would hit you so close to home. Well, it wasn't exactly like you ever had home, but looking at the expanse of land (in order to find the Fallen Varga) a couple of miles away from the walls of the Outer Ghetto, almost made you sigh in nostalgia.

A barren wasteland and humid air filling your lungs makes you wonder if the rest of your "orphanage" was okay. They were down 5 kids, but it was never hard finding some young kid who had lost their parents or just didn't have a home anymore - everyone had some tragic background these days. You crush the rocks underneath your boot and laugh quietly. Logistics had never been your strong point, Mark was the one that made all the plans. You were the brute force behind making it all happen, much like now. Things didn't change, they just got more complicated. You had to wonder if he would laugh at your new position.

 _"You leading a group of people, their lives in your hands! Ya skull is of better used for hitting than thinking."_

 _"I am sure she will do a good job."_

You can almost hear Mark's reprimanding voice and Toma's neutral tone trying to ring back in the fighting. Toma has always been the mediator between the two of you. Mother hen of the group that treated all your wounds to the best of his abilities, when all you wanted to do was stop breathing. And that was the central reason as to why you couldn't be like Lindow. How could you care about the lives of others when you barely cared about your own? But, if you thought long and hard about it, you had done it most of your life - caring for kids and making sure you all ate and lived another day, though you were always jealous of those whose ends came before yours. It was so pathetic, but you didn't care.

 **You didn't care at all** , but you had promise to keep. Longer than you had been a God Eater, and just a little bit longer than when you entered this makeshift orphanage you hated but thought so dearly of. Your life wasn't yours, and you were perfectly fine with that.

"Varga spotted 5km east and heading in your direction fast! Prepare for engagement!"

Hibari's voice brings you out of your momentary stupor, as you turn to your left and begin walk towards the general direction of where the Aragami seems to be. You straighten your God Arc and laugh just a little, getting ready to dispel all these heavy thoughts and getting the nit and gritty of it all was so liberating! No, you can't die here because of those stupid restrictions and your flight-and-fight mechanism tends to quick in from time to time.

"3km! Moving fa-st." the radio begins to static out, as a grin replaces the stony expression on your face.

"2km! Be ready!" The ground begins to rumble and you start picking up your speed into a quick run. Your knee crack a little, but everything else is forgotten as the adrenaline and oracle cells begin to pump into your body.

"I got it, Hibari!"

You answer back in conformation, as a roar echoes and you can hear anything she answers back. Life is good, life is bad. Life is long, life is short - everything and anything you feel is always contradictory and it tires you out overthinking everything. Missing Lindow, hating Lindow for placing everything on your shoulders even if it wasn't his fault, it was pretty much the same for everyone else.

All you could really do was move forward and wait for the end, just like anybody else.


	15. respite

It takes Kota awhile to notice that his new Captain tends to sleep in the strangest places sometimes. Sometimes, she is catching some zzz's on the couch in the Den, others she is between the railing underneath the God Arcs storage area where Licca can't exactly see her. Alisa had even seen her sleeping in the research library behind some books. It made the younger boy wonder how hard it was to be leader, Lindow had made it look so suave and cool, but she always looked tired and was running away with some stack of papers, mumbling about Tsubaki. He asks her if she wants to watch some episodes of Bugarally in order to relax, but she ends up falling asleep halfway through their Season 5 marathon, and Kota is stuck in a very awkward position until he calls for Alisa to help him.

Then, he notices it. Sometimes, there is a blanket or jacket on her while she is sleeping. He gets used to seeing her drinking a can of coffee every once and awhile, and even Licca stays quiet when she is sleeping. Tatsumi seems to liking talking whenever she finished a mission, and her paperwork seems a bit more under control when she is doing it next to Hibiki.

Lindow's disappearance is still a sore spot within the Den, but everyone is slowly growing to the new Leader, and Kota can't help but smile at that.

"KOTA!" a sudden yells brings him out of his stupor, as he sees her with a slight smile on her face as she laugh, Alisa and Soma are either shaking their head or not paying attention at all.

"Y-Yeah, what's up?" is all that he can really respond with, as she reminds that he has a certain meeting with Tsubaki pending once they head back inside, and he almost wants to groan. However, the sudden sight makes him (and Alisa) pause for a moment, as meetings and everything else is forgotten.

She smiles, and everything seems all right for now.

* * *

 _"All you end up with is wounded pride and faded excuses..."_

 _"And?"_

 _"And even then, you-"_

"Hey!" a quick kick to the side of the couch has you waking up before you can hear the all too familiar answer. You turn to see Soma with that same permanent scowl on his face, "You should go to your room instead of sleeping in the lounge."

You scratch the sleepiness out of your eyes, and yawn before mumbling.

"Can't..."

Your eyes flicker upwards to stare at him and he looks back, clear blue eyes demanding an answer as to why. You turn to look at the paperwork that is stacked neatly on the other side of the couch. It wasn't the first time that you has been ask why you weren't sleeping in "your" room. Licca, Alisa, Sakuya, even Tsubaki had asked why, but you didn't have the resolve to answer them. Even if his possessions weren't there anymore, even if it had your name stamped outside of it. It still felt like it belonged to Lindow and stepping into a place that didn't belong to you, for you to make it your own scared the crap out of you.

No, it was easier to say you still weren't used to sleeping in a decent room, being an street orphan and all (even after being a God Eater for awhile and never really having problems with your old room). Dark and crapped spaces were much easier to grow accustom to than a potentially dead man's room. However, you had a feeling Soma wouldn't except that.

As if expecting no response, the older teenager turns and starts to walk to his own room, when you blurt everything out.

"I can't sleep in there. It's Lindow's room..." is all you manage to mumble out as he turns his head to look at you. God, after everything you had been through, were you really that pathetic?

"You should go get that checked out with Old Man Sakaki," is all you hear Soma say before he heads into his own room. You rub the back of your head as to why you would need to ask the old researcher, but surely Soma knew better since he has been here so much longer. So, you sigh and pick-up your papers before heading to the elevator.

Soma ends up being half-right, as the good doctor ends up prescribing you some sleeping pills, and while it makes sleeping a bit easier the fear of being in Lindow's room remains. Then, Sakuya steps in, you have to wonder how she was so good at noticing what your problem was, or maybe you just made it that obvious. The helps is slow, but the two of you slowly manage to add small decorations to the room here and there.

The pile of books gets bigger and you find yourself the brand new owner of some plants to take care of, while also keeping the refrigerator stocked for all the people that come to visit to you when they can. Kota is even planning to have a small get-together in other to celebrate your new promotion, even if you are a bit hesitant about the whole thing.

There's a strange feeling budding in your heart that you haven't become fully aware of yet, but each day their smiles become more precious, even if your own life doesn't.

 _("What is it, Soma?" Brown looks up to meet blue eyes, as said younger man pulls down his hoodie a bit more._

 _"The New-Type, she...hasn't been doing well."_

 _"Oh, I'll check in with her then. Thanks for telling me," Sakuya can only smile as he nods and walks away without another word being said.)_

And maybe, it was starting to feel like **home**?


	16. curiosity killed the cat

Even with a new leader, there is discord within the team. People hit each other's sore wounds, even if they don't know or mean to in the long run, you had seen it during the mission between Soma and Kota. Maybe, you could just think that their personalities didn't match (and they didn't) and move forward with everything else, but the way that Soma had talked left little doubt that it was about something deeper for him, about how the Den as a whole felt about him. It wasn't something that you really understood, but saw it as a two-sided sword because people didn't like being around or even trusted Soma very well and he pushed back in his own way. You had experienced it first hand and it eventually became the norm, though you talked to him more than most people did, over books and missions was mostly it though.

 _Who would want a comrade that can't take a little joke, a comrade you can't even trust to have your back?_

"So annoying," you murmur to yourself as you look at the missions and profiles in front of you before taking another sip of the now lukewarm Iced Curry juice. It had bothered you over the past few days, like an itch you couldn't starch. How did Lindow keep everything running so smoothly?

 _No, he didn't. You just didn't see things from his perspective_ , a little voice in the back of your head told you, and you wanted to bite back a groan because in a way it was true. When you had started all you had to care about was learning the basics, finding ways to make it easier and maybe having fun with Kota when you weren't swimming in your much darker thoughts. Then, everything with Alisa came crashing down, but never once had you thought of how Sakuya thought and even less of Soma.

"Why is dealing with people so difficult?" you exasperate yourself starting at everything in front of you, barely noticing the knock at your door.

"YES!" you yell and tell them to come in. Sakuya grins at you and your mess of paperwork, mentioning that dinner has been served and that you should eat and take a break. She waits for you outside and as the two of you head to the communal eating area, a familiar door (since it had gotten closed on your face a dozen times before) catches your attention. You aren't sure if the older woman notices, but as you turn to look at her on the elevator, you can't help but voice out your question.

"Sakuya, just how much do you know about Soma?"

* * *

If it had been any other day, you would have ignored the grandeur that spilled from Director Johannes' tongue when he talked about the "great endeavors" and the salvation of humanity that he declared the Aegis Project was going to be. Yes, you had a hand in helping, but it came with the duties as Captain and you didn't believe in the project liked you had heard him and Kota talk about it. You knew who it was really for, people like the Director and his other lackeys that thought they were the "best humanity had to offer", it wasn't like people like you or those in the Outer Ghetto that could barely survive through another day. You would still be one of them if you hadn't landed in Fenrir and that's why all this important bullshit really didn't phase you.

You would have forgotten all of this by dinnertime, but then Dr. Sakaki had to barge into your routine and ask you a really strange question that wouldn't leave your mind, even as Kota talked about the re-watching Season 10 of _Bugarally_.

 _Are you a curious person by nature?_

The automatic answer was no, you weren't. You had always been more of a follower, the type that did what they were told in order to keep some type of stability, or in your case a chance to end it all. Shutting up and doing what you were told was always the easiest path, even if you didn't do it all the time now because leaders had to think for themselves and make the best solid judgement. You thought you were done with that when you left the "orphanage", oh but look at you now!

So, just when you are about to go to sleep, in a darkened room and anxiety running through your veins, you let yourself become that curious person Dr. Sakaki wishes you really were.

 _Humans. Aragami. P73-Bias Factor. Lives. Lives Lives._

It takes you a few run backs of the disc to understand what is going on between the 3 brilliant minds talking on tape. Aisha Gauche is brilliant, scientific woman but maybe a bit too much of savior complex underneath her brave front, since she allows herself and her unborn child to be the willing test subjects, but it is for the greater good so that must cancel out the one stupid decision she makes, doesn't it? You find yourself agreeing with Dr. Sakaki as he leaves the screen, but there isn't a hint of remorse on the woman's face as the video moves forward - an excited mother and even prouder scientist.

 **Stay safe** , is the last words she tells her husband and you can't help but feel a little dread forming in your gut. Then, it moves on to the Director asking Sakaki to come to the Far East Branch. now under his supervision. His son - _Soma!_ \- is all right, even if he had lost his mother. The Director says that he doesn't hate Paylor, but you find it kind of hard to believe with how many times he says it. The Managram Project was a failure and at the sight of the last image, you push stop with all your might.

A cold feeling rushes through your body, as you stare blankly at the black screen for a good long while. You aren't that smart, but you understand enough to figure out that Soma (isn't Shicksal the Director's last name too?) has a lot to do with the creation of the God Eaters, though you can't phantom the further implications that it has had on him as a person growing up, though his statement from the last mission echoes in your head.

 _...What do you need with a monster like me?_

You trudged yourself to bed (but the emotions and thoughts running through your head are too much) without any sleeping pills and whatever sleep you do get is fitfully and filled with monsters, hooded figures, and dead scientists.


	17. it takes effort

_"Responsibility handed to you shouldn't-"_

 _"A-Are you trying to get yourself killed?"_

Two things are banging within your head, as you get used to the bigger role of being leader within the Far East branch, as you come to realize there is a bigger game at play that than Sakuya seems to have imagined. It starts with meeting Dr. Sakaki after watching that video. It would have taken you longer to return it but, having it in your room and knowing all that you did made sleep impossible. Something seems to be bothering Soma as well, he didn't say anything but the way he acted on the last mission bothered you. You wondered if you could help, but doubted it until Old Man Sakaki, all bright smiles with his secret agenda asks you one thing.

"... **Befriend** Soma," he asks like its the easiest thing in the world and it has you do a double take. Isn't that what you had been trying to do before everything went down? Hadn't you spent hours looking for him and hiding behind Sakuya's door to get a glance at him? Outside everything going on between the Director and the good doctor, your words were coming back to haunt you.

 _I didn't have the best first meeting with him, but that doesn't mean I'll give up!_

Remembering your own words from not too long ago, light's up a fire in you that you don't quite understand but it isn't like before either because this isn't about you catching Soma off-guard once before. It is about subtle welcomes and smiles whenever you see him. It's about asking his opinion on a mission -because he's a "veteran"- even if he doesn't want to give it to you half the time. It's about learning to trust another person, even if you don't believe in yourself.

* * *

It's another one of those "secret" missions that Old Man Sakaki gives him and the Unit 1 leader. Soma isn't sure what exactly is going on, but knowing that it might be going against his father's wishes made it a bit easier to handle the mission, though he doesn't trust the doctor any more than his old man. Another Chi You to take down and bring the core directly back to the Den, it would have been an easy enough mission for him alone, but there was a young woman standing behind him shouting orders every so often.

"Soma, to the right!"

It was uncommon for the reckless youth to take a back seat on a mission, but here she was playing look out to his vanguard position. The long-range shooting came easy to her due to the flexibility that came with being a New-Type - medical bullets and her own original concoctions getting shot out of her God Arc and whenever she saw an opening she would pause with her own long sword in order to cut at the legs of the Aragami. She was everything he read once and much more than that because even with the abnormal normalcy of her current battle strategy, he could still see a glint of mania in her eyes. If there was something that she constantly enjoyed, it was the thrill of the fight.

"Stand back!"

He hears her command, even though the Aragami lets out a pained and angry roar as he moves back only to see her charging forward. One blast from the ground before jumping mid-air and diving head first as her God Arc turns into something completely new - a scythe. A few more slashes between the two of them and the Aragami is no more. Soma stays quiet as he takes the core, she pushes her longer than usual hair back and grins. Her canines are pointy and dig slightly into her bottom lip, as the dry air of the City Ruins fills her lungs. Soma finishes up and she proudly declares.

"Nice job, Soma!" She nods to the older teenager and turns to walk to the where they are going to wait for the helicopter. Her sudden declaration surprises him but it doesn't, outside of talking to him, Soma knew she could act this way with several other members of the Den, namely Kota. She gave praise here and there, but unlike Lindow she didn't constantly remind others of the rule - _keep on living_ \- though it was unspoken law between all the members of the Unit 1 now.

Silence dominates their walk back, as Soma pulls his hoodie back up. The Leader was probably going over what they had done and what could be improved on. It seemed like she had gained the habit of reflecting and asking questions later, as he had seen her interactions with Tatsumi and experienced himself as of recently. She wasn't Lindow, she was something completely different and it was taking him sometime to adjust.

The quiet atmosphere continues as they arrive at the meeting point and the Leader confirms their coordinates with Hibari, so that the extraction can begin. Soma sits on a rock not too far away, though he gets a bit nervous when he feels a certain pair of eyes on him. He isn't sure what has drawn her attention to him, but he has a feeling it can't be anything good. Ten steps later, she is leaning to the rock to his left. Soma knows that she wants to say something, but can't think of anything that she would particularly seek him out about outside of books and mission debriefs.

"Hey Soma..." she starts.

"What?" he bites, unsure of what's in store.

" _Knock knock_ ," she states like she's ordering giant corn from the communal kitchen. Full on poker face, as Soma stares straight ahead, not really understanding what is going on though it feels like those corny jokes that Lindow would try to pull off - was she going for that?

"Who's there?" he answers back.

" _Orange_ you glad I didn't say **banana** ," she states but there isn't any laughter.

It is obvious that she missed a big part of how the joke is conducted and that in its sheer audacity almost makes Soma want to laugh and before he realizes it something akin to a light chuckle leaves his mouth. However, before it can get any farther, he shuts it down. Yet, the damage has been done as he sees an awestruck Leader looking at him and that it makes him pull his hoodie over his face even more. Blue eyes stare at the ground, as she lets out her own small giggle.

"It's good to know you can laugh at a joke. I was starting to get worried," she doesn't say anything else as the helicopter begins to set down. It takes Soma a moment to put two and two together, but he can only curse at her back as he moves to towards the aircraft as well.

 _Who would want a comrade that can't take a little joke, a comrade you can't even trust to have your back?_

This girl was more dangerous than he gave her credit for.


	18. old habits die hard

It takes Tsubaki's scold that makes you stop looking over all the papers you have placed all over the small dinner table, a plate of food to your right and a can of Iced Curry juice to your left. The older woman asks you when your last day off had been and it takes you awhile to remember the exact day. You hadn't taken a day off since Lindow's disappearance and hadn't left the Den since you had been chosen to be a God Eater. You pauses and frown (almost wanting to say something on the subject), but Tsubaki always has the final word when it comes to these sorts of things. Two days later you have your first day off unless they really need you, but there was nowhere for you to go.

You try to read, but your head is swirling to something else. Without fighting anything your muscles twitch and you're restless by midday without any real work to do since the rest of Unit 1 was out under Sakuya's supervision. Thus, you wonder the areas you have access within Den until you see the old veteran, Gen Momota, sitting next to a door without his jacket and sweating. It piques your curiosity and you walk over to him, as some older God Eaters bid their goodbyes.

"Gen, what are you doing?" Brown eyes look your way as he nods his head before talking. The older man didn't talk to you much, but he was always there when you wanted strategy advice.

"Some of the other God Eaters have sparring matches, I was helping some of them out with basic combat skills in the gym," he explains in that teacher way he has to his personality, but you had been won over as soon as he said matches. Your knuckles squeeze shut in until they are almost white in anticipating and Gen catches a glimmer in your eyes that throws him off guard. You're too excited and it bothers him a little.

"Could I join?" you ask without hesitation, jumping lightly on the balls of your feet like a child on Christmas. It had only been a couple of months since your last fight, but you missed it too much at times. It would certainty help let out your frustration and people with the Bias factor within their bodies would be much tougher to get beaten down - new opponents, and nothing else could be better than that.

"Mmm, I would have to ask the others first, but nothing's stopping you from using the rest of the gym's facilities," Gen notes as you open the door to your right. State of the art machines all around the room, as some God Eaters were sparring or taking their temperature while others were simply running on treadmills. However, your eyes were on something else.

"Punching bags!" you grin and run to the nearest one, as Gen watches you from afar. It's a little odd for you to be so excited, but it is nice to see that you are completely focused on your work, that you were trying to be a more rounded person - as a God Eater should be.

Then, he hears a snap.

"Well...that didn't last long," there is frustration and sudden boredom in your voice as you stare at the punching bag, no longer hanging from the ceiling and a hole as the stuffing slowly falls from it. Everyone stopped and looked at you, not that it really matters to you. The former God Eater walks over to you and sighs, clearly another firecracker with too much energy in their bones.

"Looks like we're going to need to get you some proper gear," is all he can really say, as your clearly happy laughter rings out for a moment.

* * *

"Soma, what do you think of this?"

He tries not to think very hard about the Leader and the implications that her laughter might have on him, because as quickly as Old Man Sakaki was sending them together on missions it quickly vanishes. It's back to 4-man missions where she is laughing with Kota or talking to Alisa, but everyone seems to see it except him. How she tries to talk to him after the missions, how she gives him a small smile and thanks him for his input, how they seem more sync in battle than anyone else.

However, Soma likes fighting against the current and seems to shut down any attempts by hiding or simply walking away. It is a bit easier when the doctor is asking him to take on personal solo missions. She tried her hardest to get him involved in the debriefs and meetings that she has planned, but he either shows up late or doesn't at all, much to Tsubaki's annoyance. It is a game of tug-and-pull between them for the next few days. She almost wants to give up and he wants her to do the same, but then something throws everything into disorder for both of them. It's after a mission that they learn what Paylor Sakaki had been searching for was a girl with white and bright eyes that he declared to be an Aragami.

"WHAT!?"

Everyone seems so confused by the string of events, as the older man tries to explain it to them. After the explanations are given, everyone seems a little more at easy, but Soma still seems the more agitated by her appearance. He stands at the edge of the room as Alisa and Kota are fighting over names and Sakuya is talking to the doctor. He watches as their fearless Leader crouches and moves in front of the girl. She outstretches her hand and Soma keeps watching the scene in front of him without a word. The small girl looks at her face for a moment before smiling, as she grabs the Leader's hand and shakes it up and down. The teenager does the same and laughs, as Soma lets go of the breathe he has unknowingly been holding in. She introduces herself and begins to talk to the girl as if she wasn't a monster that they were hiding.

The more he thinks about it, the less he understands her especially when the two of them start laughing together, as if humans and Aragami could peacefully coexist.


	19. worrying about another

Kota being serious wasn't something you saw often. Yes, there were moments when certain episodes of Bugarally got to him. However, in this moment, he goes on talking about a faded age he seemed to romanticize and about the current stage of the Aegis Project. He turns to look at his friend and give her a brittle smile, there are some many things riding on his shoulders and so many things that he wants to protect - his mother, Nozomi, the rest of the Outer Ghetto.

"I've been thinking about the past a lot..."

He wonders where they would have been if they were just normal students like in those old shows. Would they still be friends? Would they have adventures after school until his mother yelled at him to come home? He wasn't really sure and by that confused quirk of an eyebrow she gave him, Kota could tell she wasn't sure either. However, she just shrugs and keeps listening to him -to all his worries and dreams- and by the end of it all, he has to wonder as they are running to see Tsubaki on time.

 _What are her hopes and dreams? Whose waiting for her at the end of the day?_

* * *

 _She may pretend well...she's still a monster on the inside._

You can't help but think of Soma as you pat the young girl's head, while Alisa and Kota fight like parents over what they are going to name her and what is a proper way to teach her how to speak. She smiles and giggles, as you find yourself smiling as well. You should be afraid of her, that warning had been underneath Soma's most recent outburst, but you just couldn't be. Maybe, you had a weakness towards children from all your care taking back in the Outer Ghetto. You wanted to help this smiling and easygoing white-haired Aragami girl.

 _Or was it guilt?_

You look up from your location to stare at the two younger members of your unit, it seemed like Shio -as she suddenly declared herself- brought out something protective out of all of you. You were painfully aware that her looks sort of reminded of someone you hadn't thought of for a long time - light colored hair and dark eyes, like when you has first met Alisa. However, it was more than that this time around because somewhere along the way it was about Soma too.

 _Monster._ **Monster.** Monster.

You're aware of what Soma might be thinking about when he reacts to violently to Shio, maybe it's like looking into a mirror for him or how differently she was being treated compared to him - you weren't exactly sure, but his appearance since then has been sparse and it worried you somewhat. Soma was a bit of a hothead depending on the situation, so maybe he just needed some time to cool off.

You shake your head and go back to talking to Shio, as you go from learning her name to the various lessons you and the others has planned for her when the unit had from free time - teaching her various new words from the Dr. Sakaki's personal library or simply ones that you found in the library. It was a team effort to teach Shio everything you could and as a way to reinforce your own learning, you were given the task of reading and writing.

"S-H-I-O. Shio!" you explain and show her the piece of paper with her name written it on it. Amber eyes stare at it for awhile before laughing and trying it out on her own, her squiggles looking vastly different from your semi-curved lettering.

"Good job!" you smile and pat her head as she giggles. Shorty after, the three of you depart the doctor's research area and head to your respective rooms. Making your way to the level that you share with Soma and Sakuya, you can't help but turn to look at the door that leads to Soma's room. Out of everyone, he's still the only whose room you hadn't seen, the one person that still locked themselves away. You frown and shake your head because that wasn't completely true - _there was still you_.

"I hope he's okay," you let out in a brief sigh before calling it a night.


	20. secrets untold

_Watch, that girl is gonna be good for Soma. It'll just take time._

Sakuya had wondered what Lindow had meant all those months ago when their team was smaller and he was still the Leader. However, in quick succession, she saw it unfold before her: the worried glances, the avoidance and fear that came with people caring about one another, and the accidental commerdiere formed by the two teenagers, even if they didn't understand it just yet. As the "big sister" of Unit 1, she couldn't help but shake her head at the stubborn fools and the game of tug-and-pull they seemed to play, but it also reminded her of her early God Eater days, when she worried of whatever happened to Lindow when he went onto the field - when he was going where she couldn't follow.

Now, she isn't sure if what these two potentially have could turn into that, but there is surely something great building between them. It just seemed that everyone (Tsubaki, Alisa, Licca, Hibari, hell even Tatsumi) could see it but them.

Maybe, that's why she decides to play her own part in this little game. A smile on her face, as she walks up to the Leader's table during breakfast time and asks the same question she has picked up as of recently. Sakuya expects the same response and for once she is glad both these kids are so goddamn stubborn.

"Have you checked up on Soma recently?"

"Mmmm, no but soon."

Somewhere, she hopes Lindow is laughing at this whole situation.

* * *

It's another 3 days before you see Soma come out of his room between missions and all the other little things you do around the Den. It might not have been under your orders that he decides to poke his head out (you'll be sure to thank Tsubaki for that later on), but the moment you see him sitting not too far from Hibari, you raise your voice. If it startles him, you don't care - something else is bothering you today.

"Soma, Dr. Sakaki's office in 2 minutes!"

Everyone in the Den hears you, as blue eyes snap upwards and if he's making any sort of face at you, it's not something you can notice as you enter the elevator. Dr. Sakaki and Shio are waiting for you close to the couch area, as you stand in front of them. You smile at the young girl briefly as the door opens once again to show that a disgruntled Soma actually followed what you had to say. No words are exchanged, but you puff up your chest a little bit in pride. Then, the old man has to start going on with his date metaphor.

"You can't just force jobs on me!" he snaps, as you nod. Dr. Sakaki smiles and praises your leadership and it almost makes you want to laugh.

"I suppose you won't be able to resist now, will you, Soma?" is all the good doctor says, but the comment sounds a little weird in your head. However, Sakaki was eccentric like that, so you stop thinking about it as soon as Soma curses and leaves the room.

If only the mission had been as easy as the interactions from earlier in the day. First, you don't know how Sakaki had made it possible for Shio to go with you on the mission, but you would rather not ask. Aside from the three of you, you had chosen to take Kota, well because...he just made things easier with his personality, even if he and Soma couldn't stand each other at times. However, you could just feel the damn tension while you were all fighting, since whatever sync you had with Soma was gone - the man has decided to do things on his own and you recklessly pushed forward with Kota as back up.

 _It could've been worse_ , is all you think to yourself. A hundred million things could have gone badly, but Shio is ready to eat her "meal" and you're about ready to head back and then **that** happens.

"Soma, you wanna eat too?" is Shio says in her childlike innocence. You can see his face conform into something griefstriken and angry at the same time, but you know at the end of the day Soma hates himself and there isn't anything that can be done about it. Kota's confusion doesn't help much either.

"Hehe, whoa there Shio. We don't eat Aragami. We're human, you see?"

Kota doesn't understand the depth of his wording, as Soma clenches his free hand. _Human?_ What makes a person **human**? There are hundreds of people that trade in their humanity to become something more, it was something you had seen a hundred times before on the streets - it was a tale as old as time. What made Shio and by extension Soma, so different from you and Kota?

The P73-Bias Factor is a quick and easy response, but you know for Soma and whatever he went through, it's more complicated than that. Just thinking about all that makes your head hurt.

"Shut up! I'm not a monster! I'm nothing like you!" Soma's words snap you out of your thoughts, as you watch him walk away for the upttenth time. You let out a sigh and watch Shio go after him. Kota looks at you and wants to say something, but all you do is shake your head. You turn to look at Shio struggling to find her words, Soma's back is tense and you can tell he's heaving large quantities of air in anger.

 _So, now I'm happy. Because I found you, Soma. I'm happy because I found all of you._

Her words sting you briefly for some unknown reason that you ignore for now, as you watch Soma walk away from the bridge. Shio keeps staring at where he was standing for a long time, probably trying to assess the situation in her own way. Kota asks if you know anything, and like a waterfall everything slips forward. Everything you know about Soma's past and his hatred towards everything he didn't have a say in being. It's liberating to finally talk to someone about all this that you feel yourself releasing a watery hiccup towards the end of the tale.

Kota, like you, isn't the smartest person around, so it takes him awhile to digest everything. He looks at your slightly red face for a moment before talking.

"How long has he been carrying that around? How long has he held it in?"

Honestly, those were questions that you have asking yourself all this time. However, you didn't think you were ever going get the answers to them, especially not now. The helicopter ride back without Soma is quite and you don't have the strength to ask Hibari to pinpoint his location.

 _Time, all people need is time_ \- is something you remind yourself as you place a can of Iced Curry juice next to his door when you are ready to call it a night. It's stupid and childish, but it is the only peace offering you can think of and hopefully a small reminder that there are other people worried about him as well.

And in the morning, when you go to meet up with Tsubaki, you'll see that the can is gone and you can't help but hope that everything will be alright in the end, only to be hit with an ice-cold realization soon afterwards.

God, when did you start getting attached to all these people?


End file.
